I have not updated in a bit. Me and my family have been through alot this past month. Between the holidays and that…my head has not been on straight.
First we lost my uncle on Christmas. It hit hard. The night before we all sat and joked…told stories that have been told hundreds of times before about everyone. Made fun of each member of the family in the way we do. The next morning after Em opened his gifts we received a call from my mom, my uncle had passed. It was not fair. He was fairly young and healthy. He had alot more life to live. I spent Christmas in a haze…with the rest of my family. Our light was Em. He smiled and giggled…unaware of the events. That night he slept with us, his warmth and innocence made me cry and heal
Two days later we got eventfull news. I found out I was pregnant. I knew before the line came up that something was wrong. Without going into details I have miscarried. I have felt hurt before. I have felt pain. But this combined with my uncles death has been unbearable. I have cried myself dry. My eyes are red and swollen, my heart hurts.
What gets me through is my life. I have a husband who adores me and holds me up. I have a son who I swear is an angel sent from heaven. My mom and I joke that he still has marks where his wings were clipped..he has two dimples at the bottom of his shoulder blades. He has been Rich and my strength. He wakes everyday with this enthusiasm and joy for what the day brings. As sad as we have been he smiles and hugs.
I used to try to hide alot from him. I had this rule not to cry or show pain to him. Dumb. My pain, my joy, my life is a story for him to get to know me. As bad as it is, one day I will share all this with him…good and bad. I wrote in his journal last night about what has happened this past week. I pasted in a photo of my uncle with him. I told of what I knew about my uncle so that he and I would not forget. I told of the joy and pain I have felt with losing a baby. How so much I want him to feel the love of a sibling…how I want another child. I am not going to hide this…because what if I hide it so much that I also forget. I do not want to.
Pain, joy, happiness, and sadness make us. Make us and develop us. It’s our story and life that we share and pass. I think he knows, Em that is. Children are not blind. They see is our eyes what we may not know. I think they read our faces and understand…and comfort through their giggles and glee.
We will all be fine here…may take some time. This song hit me the other day on the radio….the lyrics mean alot right now. Its by Brandi Carlie…
Made me think that no matter what I will get through…Not to ignore hurt but remember and express those that we miss and have lost.
Em will grow up I hope feeling the same. To know pain is not shameful and all aspects of life, whether good or bad, tell our story and life.
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
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